By TOYIN IDOWU
“Chances are that when someone is hating on you, it’s not about you at all. It’s about them. It’s their fear, their jealously, their boredom, and their insecurity.” – Unknown Author.
To be insecure is to have a feeling of uncertainty, a lack of confidence or anxiety about yourself. It’s a state whereby you have not accepted your own sort of uniqueness and doubt if you actually have something in you that can benefit other people or the society at large. This eventually makes you result into a state of pity that you eventually take out on other people especially in your relationships. Being insecure could be circumstantial or a continuing pattern of life from childhood due to an awkward upbringing, mostly. For example, if your partner lost a loved one or had a fall in life like a broken relationship or failed an exam, the corresponding reaction to the event could manifest through an insecurity for some time. But in a situation whereby it has been a major lifestyle, then it becomes a serious issue which one may not be able to treat with a quick fix of affection and reassurance that such people demand. Insecure peeps can only help themselves to a larger extent!
In this write-up, we shall only examine the signs of insecurity in our partners if we have one in our lives. It is pertinent to be able to spot the tell-tale signs early enough to actually know what we are dealing with, in order to aid us in taking a decision whether to stay back and help him or her overcome or back out of the relationship.
Lack of Trust
In Joseph Nowinski’s words, this partner thinks of himself as unworthy, unlovable and of other people as untrustworthy. When your partner keeps telling you how unworthy or a failure he or she is and how every other person can’t be trusted for one reason or the other, then there is a deep-seated insecurity problem which definitely makes them to keep nursing the impression that you are cheating on them or still have an eye for your ex, even when you had broken up for a long time In extreme cases, such partners could accuse you of having an affair with a co-worker, church member, neighbour or just accuse you of using him or her as a second fiddle because he’s not good enough for you.
The break-up threat
This sort of immature attitude is mostly exhibited by the men. They break up with you or threaten to do so many times over very little inconsequential issues just to get you to validate their brittle ego. Not that they really want to let go of you though, but just to test your commitment. You hear things like, “I don’t think you love me enough…, I think you are just deceiving me… or I don’t feel wanted” etc. If you are not smart enough, you will get hooked in that messy relationship but once you call his bluff, he will begin to know it’s not business as usual. But then, the insecurity mask is still there and probably look for another avenue to express itself.
Constant Stalking and Jealousy
The insecure partner often feels you are hiding something from him on your mail, phone, or social media. Whenever you post anything on tweeter, facebook or instagram, she is quick to follow it and read meanings to some of the comments and the post in itself. It becomes worse if you didn’t notify him or her before making a post about any of your unusual or special events. He may demand for passwords to any of your social media accounts or stylishly ask to go through your phone or e-mails. She even demands to know whose call you were receiving or who you were sending a text message to. And should you decline to feed his or her curiosity, it will definitely result into cheap blackmail and get messier.
Constant stalking and jealousy go hand in hand and they happen as a result of insecurity in partners. They compare the time you spend with friends with what you spend with them and begin to feel jealous. They can’t understand why you have to hang out with church members or co-workers after work and being friendly with an opposite colleague on a platonic level is a tall order especially if that colleague of yours is more attractive or richer. Initially, you may be enjoying the jealousy as a normal thing, after all we all need a measure of it in our relationships but as time goes on, you begin to get chocked.
Quest for Constant validation
Insecure people are attention seekers who get their self-esteem from other people’s opinion rather than their inner satisfaction and conviction. An insecure partner would always want you to tell him or her how beautiful, lovable and valued he or she is and ask questions if he or she is loved over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, we all need to be validated but when it comes from an insecure heart, it usually takes a different turn and becomes difficult to handle. Even when you assure such partners, they still don’t believe you, To them, it’s just a flattery or lip service.
An insecure partner will always want to control how you spend your time, money and even your commitment to your family. He or she wants your day to start and end with him or her. The whole drama starts with criticism which is aimed at weakening your individuality. He criticises almost everything about you that is different from his because he or she feels having you under his or her close monitor and conformity to his or her ways will lower your risk of cheating. Moreover, another twist to this is that an insecure partner can’t stand criticism on his or her own. Such becomes defensive at the slightest constructive criticism even when there is no need for that. When next you open up to your insecure partner about an attitude you want changed, watch it, he or she may take it personally and turn it around rather than looking inwards to consider a change of attitude.
She’s a “YES” lady
At first, this may likely interest you but trust me as time goes on, you get bored at it because it looks like there is no creativity in the relationship. Your woman will definitely like all what you like and say yes to every stupid thing you say even at her own detriment. This is a bid to make sure she satisfies you and no other woman gets to snatch you away from her. She is bringing nothing to the table because she relies on you the “almighty” to always supply ideas. Her own is to follow suit. This is a very strong indication of insecurity.
Keep a date with the author every Thursday on Reality with Toyin Idowu on ExpressNG Follow him on twitter @ThoyinIdowu Or visitwww.toyinidowu.blogspot.com