By TOYIN IDOWU
“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in”. Shannon L. Alder
Last week, we examined some of the tell-tale signs of insecurity in relationships either married or dating. Don’t forget, we defined insecurity as a feeling of uncertainty, a lack of confidence or anxiety about one self. And when people are so unsecured in themselves, they carry the attitude into their relationships and make a negative impact on it because insecurity is all about negativisms. When an unsecured person starts a relationship with a positive person, such an individual contaminates that relationship with envy, doubts, bitterness and control which are all products of negative feelings that get him or her consumed with jealousy.
I need to state categorically at this point that contrary to beliefs from unsecured people, insecurity which manifests through jealousy does not in any way draw your partner to you; rather it drives them away from you each passing day. Each time you display jealousy expecting your partner to conform to your wishes; on the contrary, it only makes him or her get withdrawn further from you and he or she will have some sort of reservations for you. This is not good for relationships especially if it’s at the initial stage.
We can understand that some things happen that make some partners become so unsecured in their relationships. For example, if a partner is known to be a pathological liar or there had been history of unfaithfulness these experiences could trigger insecurity in someone. But then, there are other periods that this is just the person’s nature, rather than keep damaging your emotions and the other person’s, it is better you voice out your concerns so that both of you can walk through it together constructively.
Having laid the background on this, we shall examine the different ways in which your insecurity harms your relationship.
Lack of Trust The first way insecurity harms your relationship is that it introduces lack of trust in your relationship. Because one of the partner is so unsecured, it becomes so difficult to trust the other party even when you are at your peak. Such people easily read meanings to normal phone calls; kind gestures to opposite sex, harmless text messages and hugs and so on. Lack of trust in a relationship is a very terrible ingredient; its presence easily collapses a thriving relationship. Without trust, it can’t work!
Assumption More often than not, unsecured people have this nauseating attitude of reading their partners and assuming wrongly even in their quiet state. When they call and there is no response, they assume the worst. When there is a slight misunderstanding and the other partner decides to keep quiet in order to give peace a chance, they can equally read meanings to it and infer a lot of things from that singular action. Reading minds and trying to assume the worst about one’s partner stifle a relationship to become a night mare.
Resentment When the unhealthy partner keeps stalking and making issues out of no issues in the relationship, the other party begins to nurse the feeling of resentment. Resentment is a bitter feeling towards another person whereby his or her presence no longer excites you. It doesn’t just start in a relationship without a reason, most of it is as a result of insecurity.
Withdrawal People naturally want to be comfortable and be around those who will not be difficult to be with. Insecurity could be embarrassing, irritating and depressing. When a partner begins to experience this at frequent intervals, he or she begins to withdraw in order to avoid stress or anything that could trigger the negative attitude. This is a step away from breaking up.
Break up Insecurity murders relationships that have potentials to grow and succeed because the initial harmful effects mentioned above have taken a toll on the partners involved. Usually, the healthy partner is the first to initiate the break up while the unsecured one seldom agrees to the break up despite his or her various accusations of unfaithfulness but then, the other partner at the receiving end has got to do what he or she needs to do and move on.
The salient harm Depending on how long one stays with an unsecured person in a relationship, if care is not taken, the healthy partner could become vulnerable and lose his or her own self esteem as well. This negative attitude is like an aura that permeates without knowing. You may be thinking you are fighting the attitude from the other partner making life miserable for you as a result of his or her insecurity but deep down in you, you are gradually losing it and becoming like the unhealthy partner. This is the more reason why people need to be very careful with negative people around them. The closest person to you influences your thought pattern unknowingly most times.
We shall conclude this series next week by looking at the solutions.
Keep a date with the author every Thursday on Reality with Toyin Idowu on ExpressNG. Follow him on Twitter @ThoyinIdowu or visit www.toyinidowu.blogspot.com