By TOYIN IDOWU
“Lots of things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You’re aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can’t be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn’t be”. – C. JoyBell C.
When two people begin to date each other, most of the times, it’s usually difficult for one or both of them to face reality especially when emotion is deeply involved. This apparently makes ending a relationship become a difficult task even when one or both of them know it is the right thing to do. It baffles me when I hear married couples complain about certain sensitive behaviours from their spouses but claimed they knew about it before marriage but decided to patch things up thinking they could change anyone or marriage will change them. The truth is that no miracle happens at the point of exchange of marital vows.
The objective of this write-up is to let you know that if you are dating someone, don’t get your brain shut down. Know where to draw the line, recognise your threshold and take a bow as soon as the signal comes out clearer. Now, at what point do you kiss your relationship bye-bye?
When You Experience Continuous Fear:
If your relationship has got little or nothing to offer apart from fear and continuous loss of peace, I think that’s a sign that you need to evaluate and call it quits because it automatically means that you are not happy. At the dating stage of your relationship, when nothing is cast on stone yet, where you are supposed to be free with one another, yet you are not free to express your mind, most times, you have to rehearse and scheme before you make your contributions, or each time you are together, you are just extra ordinarily careful….too too careful! Not because of any form of ill-mannerisms but perhaps due to control, manipulation and inability to understand your partner, then you need to consider moving on after you might have tried your best to work it out. If you can’t be happy now, you can’t be happy in the future when he or she gains total freedom on you.
When Physical Abuse Is Involved:
Physical abuse is something I will never encourage anyone to tolerate at any level and for whatever reason. When he or she attacks you physically and apologises, maybe over a minor issue, there is every tendency that he or she will repeat it again and I don’t think you should experiment that further. For some of you, you may not need to wait till when the real action is displayed but you already have pointers to work with. Take for example, during your normal argument; you hear words like; I feel like slapping you or if you say anything further I can bounce on you etc. These words are not to be excused as mere threats that accidentally spill out because of anger. He or she will definitely carry out the threat sooner or later. What if he or she just gives you an ordinary push on your chest or touches your nose with his or her finger in a derogatory and disrespectful manner?
When There Is Undue Control And Manipulation:
Are you made to do what you normally wouldn’t do by force? Are you made to behave in a manner not comfortable for you or do things against your principles and values? For example, if you are forced or coerced into stealing some valuable items from your parents, manipulated into having sex when you don’t want to or asked to keep malice with someone. These are very strong indications that you are not in a healthy relationship and unhealthy relationship will lead you nowhere except heart aches.
When There Is Lack Of Commitment:
Commitment is one of the signs that depict a relationship is heading somewhere meaningful. But when your partner is not committed to you whether in word or in deed, then it could be an indication that such is not looking at the future with you. You have been dating someone for two years and you have not been properly introduced to any member of his or her family, you can’t say exactly who his or her trusted friend is, you sacrifice for the relationship alone yet you can’t really place your finger on what he or she is up to. When it happens this way, one needs to ask “what if I’m just a second fiddle?”
When There Is Lack Of Respect:
Respect is one of the most important element in having a great marriage and it simply means valuing one another. Naturally, human beings gravitate more to where they are respected and valued as a person. No human being would naturally want to keep hanging around someone who talks to them anyhow. When you respect me, it means you choose your words carefully even when I say anything you consider as foolish, you won’t call me an idiot because of that. When you respect me, you honour my boundaries by not deliberately pushing me beyond my emotional limit. Admitting when you are wrong is a lot of respect. If you respect me, you won’t make jest of me or speak in a derogatory manner because of my inadequacies even though you point them out. When these things are lacking in the relationship, then there is nothing left than to take a walk! Anotherinteresting thing about respect which many people don’t understand is when you push your partner against all odds to upgrade, it shows you so much value such a person that you are concerned about him or her not staying long on a spot. That’s respect!
Also Read: Dear About-To-Weds, Don’t Confuse Shared Interests With Values #RealityWithTID
When Either Of The Party Is Not Honest And Straight Forward:
A lot of relationships these days lack trust and I am yet to see any relationship that thrives without trust. Absence of honesty and straightforwardness puts a strain on a relationship because it drives the partner beyond what he or she can cope with. Do you have a partner whose movements are not so clear? Are there stories almost every time some sensitive issues like money, career, and relationship with opposite sex arise? Do you always feel the need for explanations on some strange calls and text messages that seem shrouded in secrecy? How about moving from one scandal to another? You don’t need to patch it up, please take a bow!
When one is in love, it could be very hard to reason out some things properly but the truth is that true love will let go when the need arises. Take for example genotype incompatibility. Are you ready to watch your partner, especially the female go through the pains of having to nurse children with sickle cell? How about the pains the children would go through? How about HIV status and other life threatening health issues?
Yes, we can’t rule out the fact that our parents lived their lives and right now, we are of age to live ours to the best of our abilities. However, there is this thing about parental consent that I would like the young ones to always bear in mind and it has to do with the God-given ability to be used at times in annoying ways to halt some things that perhaps are not meant to be. Don’t get me wrong, parents are not always right and their instructions are not absolutely the best but I implore everyone dating to slow down when your parents consistently go against your relationship. If after years of trying to persuade them, getting people to talk to them coupled with some spiritual exercises from your own end, they still didn’t shift their position, then, that can be an indication that it’s time to say bye-bye. It’s hard to explain because it’s really not logical and the worst part of it is that most parents don’t even have explanations but to be on a safer side, it’s better to stay away when the resistant is persistent over the years.
If you notice any of these traits in your relationship, you may not need to break up at the heat of discovery but take some time to cool-off before taking your decision. It helps get a better perspective.
Keep a date with the author every Thursday on Reality with Toyin Idowu on ExpressNG Follow him on twitter @ThoyinIdowu Or visit www.toyinidowu.blogspot.com