By TOYIN IDOWU
Last week, I spoke to you through this medium on how pornography could mess up your marriage of which I am sure you got a lot from it. This week, I would like to go further by exposing some tell-tale signs that could manifest in your partner which may point to the fact that there is something you need to worry about a bit.
It could be pretty difficult to lay your hands on what could seem to have been the problem, but the bottom line is that your relationship is stressed for no just cause especially in the bedroom and there are recurring problems in your marriage which you can’t figure out. Though the signs of porn addiction are quite slippery and difficult to nail, some of them even have similar features to other vices like extra marital affairs, drug addiction etc but if you are noticing traces of these signs I am about to discuss in your partner, I think he or she owes you some concrete explanations.
Quickly, let me make it clear that the objective of this write-up is not for you to discover anything and become judgmental or assume the position of an accuser against your spouse rather, it’s aimed at you looking for possible ways of giving him or her necessary helping hand so that your marriage could work better. If anything is discovered, it could even point out to a subtle fact that there’s something you’re not likely doing right (though not necessarily) or you could even be wrong altogether in your observations and assessment. Hence, there is need for you to handle this with patience and due carefulness. Remember, it’s your marriage, “as you lay your bed, you lie on it,” says an adage.
Lack Of Interest In Sex. This is the sign that would most likely get you worried first! Even though a lot of porn addicts would want sex at regular intervals as they grow in their addiction but you are likely to find out that your husband or wife now lacks interest in sex or becomes indifferent to it. He or she now sexually becomes unresponsive. Most times, you are the one initiating sex which you don’t even enjoy because your partner is not just interested and participating. There seems to be an emotional gulf while making love! Another under lining problem in this category is the fact that your partner could be having trouble becoming sexually aroused. For example, there could have been a lot of extra effort being made from your part to stimulate him or her to get turned-on or have an orgasm. The reason is not far-fetched, his or her mind is used to getting stimulated by porn so he or she can’t just get it off in a record time with a real partner.
Withdrawal. Is your spouse withdrawing or dodging activities from you and even the family? Most often, people in this mess have unexplained absences and inability to account for excessive amount of time spent especially on the internet. They suddenly have a changed bedtime routine because they now have dysfunctional bond with their gadgets. Aside this, there is this kind of frozen feeling porn addicts develop in the long run which makes them lose touch with real relationships especially with their spouses and children. I term it emotional withdrawal.
Unethical Sexual Acts. Sex is a spontaneous act that is peculiar to different couples, that’s why we may really not be able to generally rubber stamp, a specific acts that is ethical, but sex is expected to be interesting and creative for both. It gets better on a daily basis in as much as any of the parties is not stingy with his or her body. However, sexual acts become unethical when things that either of the parties is not comfortable with or have not talked about and agreed on are (forcefully or instantly) introduced. When your spouse suddenly goes wild on bed, becomes fetish and demanding, it could be an indication that he or she has been feeding his imagination with some wild scenes as well. Is your partner pressurizing you to engage in sexual activities that are either physically or emotionally uncomfortable for you? Is he or she now rougher suddenly during sex? Has his or her sexual taste suddenly changed? Is he or she treating you like an object and not someone he or she loves? Or is your partner making some insensitive sexual comments which embarrass you?
Ambiguity. When you query your spouse about your suspicion on pornography, you are most likely to get unsatisfactory, vague, defensive and hostile answers yet you are finding evidence of lying and porn materials. When you make an unannounced appearance into the room for example, does your spouse become nervous and make a sort of jerky reflex reaction? And when you hardly can make out any sense from his answers, then there is something to watch out for.
Secrecy. Is your partner unnecessarily secretive lately? Is he or she maintaining a private e-mail address unknown to you? Is your spouse uncomfortable on the system when at times or most times you are around? Does he quickly close any of the pages when you suddenly appear or turns the monitor away from your direction? Does he get his or her phone pass-worded without proper explanation? Are you finding it difficult to assess the web browsing history because it’s been deleted? When he is secretive about his porn addiction, empty browsing history are always quick to point one to the right direction.
Is Your Partner Now Critical Of Your Features? Considerably, nothing has changed in your body to have warranted any form of complaints. It may interest you to know that your partner has been so used to pornography, his or her brain has been rearranged to variety of excitement that porn provides but unfortunately, one single faithful partner can’t offer such. That’s why your weight, your look, body odour even your private parts no longer interest or satisfy him or her. This also makes people who are hooked on porn to demean the features of an average person.
Now, tell me, how do you feel? If you have discovered any of these signs in your spouse, kindly take things easy. Being pushy and quarrelsome won’t move either of you anywhere on this.
For more relationship write-ups and interviews, visit www.toyinidowu.blogspot.com. Follow me on twitter @ThoyinIdowu
Editors note – Reality With Toyin Idowu is available every Thursday on Expressng.com
